Vulnerability

A JOURNEY TO FREEDOM AND INNER PEACE

Let's talk about Emotional Vulnerability!

In order to be ok with vulnerability you need to teach yourself ways to feel worthy of love and happiness. To do this you have to get down with loving and appreciating yourself; you will need to become familiar with your thoughts, behaviours and emotions.

First let's understand what emotionally vulnerable is.

Brene Brown describes emotional vulnerability as "uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure". It's about putting oneself in a position to be rejected.

We aren't taught how to express emotions. Many of us grew up being told "don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about" or "children should be seen but not heard", and god forbid you tried to express your emotions to any adult. Sharing and working through past and present hurts is a good start. Being hurt or rejection as a child or an adult can cause grief and trauma, thus making us resistant to vulnerability. It important to deal with emotional wounds, and not shut them off. I like to explain emotions like a waterfall. The water needs to keep flowing down a river, if you stop it or block it off it will find another way to come out, resulting in numerous unhealthy patterns. Emotions are the same, they should be felt and acknowledged, they need to move through your body and then simply let them go. If you stop or block the emotion you can create anxiety around it, you unconsciously put up walls and barriers to protect yourself. And then if there's underlying grief or trauma added into the situation, your trauma brain over time will believe emotional vulnerability is a threat. Result, your flight and fight response is activated. Your brain sends a message to your CNS to be on guard with painful emotions. We start to believe bad is bad, painful emotions are dangerous. Anxiety and emotional reactivity becomes heightened.

The thing is, emotional vulnerability is about being brave, and it's damn scary! Having a willingness to acknowledge your emotions involves difficult or painful feelings, and it's human nature to avoid pain. Know that you are strong enough and have the ability to work through it.

So how do we become more emotionally vulnerable?

1. First by sharing and working through past and present griefs, hurts, wounds and Trauma. Understand that hurts are a consequence of a situation or event. When you open up, you show others and yourself that you are worthy. I love Brene Brown's quote "only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light".

2. Become aware of your thoughts, behaviours and emotions. Write them down if you experience any, so you you'll become familiar with triggers and patterns. You will become aware of old habits of emotional avoidance. Learn to feel the energy of your body and what it's saying; don't push away or be scared to feel emotions.

3. Learn ways to calm your flight and fight response.

4. Slowly take down your walls when opportunities to be vulnerable arise, give yourself permission to express the feelings. Let yourself show up, and be seen. Be your authentic self and speak your truth. You are showing yourself and others you are worthy, and thus others will accept you.

5. Accept there can be other emotions attached to being vulnerable, like embarrassment, shame, anxiety, sadness and frustration.

6. Understand that this doesn't mean going around all day being vulnerable with you emotions and spending extended hours pondering their meanings. Don't wallow or be obsessed with emotions. Acknowledge them, don't deny them.

7. Vulnerability builds trust, strength and intimacy with yourself and others. If you are continuous afraid of vulnerability and don't experience it, you'll end up bitter and resentful.

8. Learn to acknowledge difficult emotions before acting on them. Observe and validate them. Are they coming from your heart or ego. By observing your emotions first, you can ask what it wants, what it needs, how does it feel in your body. You're giving yourself the opportunity to simplify the emotion and the description of it. Observe the emotion without acting on it. By validating it you are acknowledging these emotions are ok and normal. ie it may not be as bad as initially thought or felt. Be assertive if you need to communicate your wants and needs with honest and respect. Do this regularly and you will create trust and confidence in yourself.

9. Consider therapy if this is all too much on your own! Fear of vulnerability is fear of rejection/abandonment; you were hurt in the past and now you seek to minimise hurt in the future. This can take time to uncover and sometimes you need others to help; and that OK! It takes courage to show up and ask for help.

10. Work on accepting and loving yourself and overtime you will find it easier to show true vulnerability and feel worthy. You love yourself more when you choose to experience emotions and feeling. Start small, no matter how challenging; small steps equal progress. What do small steps look like? Being honest and authentic when people ask how you are. If someone hurts or offends you, say so instead of letting it fester. Speak truthfully if something is challenging you.